


HISHE - Steps Into Shadow II

by Justlovemyslash



Series: How It Should Have Ended [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Depression, Drug Abuse, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kanan gets a second job, Major character death - Phantom shuttle, PTSD Ezra, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Space family, The Dark Side of the Force, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-20 03:23:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8234362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justlovemyslash/pseuds/Justlovemyslash
Summary: Non-slash version of my story.Ezra has a difficult time after he nearly dies on the station.





	1. Abandoned

Ezra watched in horror as the Phantom shuttle was bombarded with debris and ripped from the magnetic clamp holding it underneath the now doomed reclamation station. It tumbled end over end into the stormy sky below. He had a grandiose plan to Force lift the shuttle back onto the station’s deck. “OK, do, not try....do, not try !” he thought as he reached out for the Force. He would never question any Jedi ever if this worked.

The light side of the force, the Ashla, turned its back on him like a jealous lover. Ezra couldn't feel the Force at all! He had been using his anger for power ever since he found the holocron. He never considered the consequence of dabbling into the dark side. He reached out for the dark side, focusing on his anger and terror but there was nothing. It was if the Force was saying "You just sentenced every life form on this station to die...why don’t you join them."

He reached out to anyone in the universe for help. The universe answered back in a flash. A huge bolt of lightning struck the shuttle as it fell, exploding his only means of escape into a million pieces.

“I’m in trouble too.” Ezra called out, not sure if anyone in the whole universe cared. He had a bad feeling about this.


	2. "Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday" BTVS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space family to the rescue!!

Kanan felt a cold shiver that could only indicate one thing...well actually two things. Either he was getting old and he needed to start swaddling himself in sweaters OR Ezra was in serious trouble.

Kanan's credits were on Ezra. 

Plus, Hera kept the Ghost's thermostat locked at "uncomfortable warm" so the cold shiver that went down his spine had to be Ezra-related. When they first started working together Hera and he constantly fought over the ships environmental settings. It was the second biggest battle in the galaxy for several days, until Hera set him straight one day after catching him red handed lowering the temperature.

"Pilot picks the temp, co-pilot shuts his meiloorun hole." She declared as she turned up the heat and then locked the controls.  
The memory of the angry look on her face made him laugh out loud.

He practiced using his new Force sight skill as he moved through the small cargo ship, headed toward the cockpit. Using the Force to see took a lot of concentration, but he always had been a quick learner. He couldn't see much, but at least it kept him from running into things. He wondered what else the Bandu would be willing to teach him as he settled in the co-pilots chair. Perhaps the Force had intervened and drawn them here? Can the Force influence droids, he wondered, since it was Chopper who found this base?  He had heard stories about force wielders who were not Sith or Jedi.  The only thing he knew is that these grey Jedi had removed themselves from the constant war between the Light and Dark.  Unlike most force sensitive beings, they had found ways to cloak themselves.  That would explain why he didn't sense the Bandu on the planet before the creature reached out to him.  

He was going to call Hera on the comm but he could feel that she would be joining him soon. He smiled as an image of Hera's beautiful face appeared in his mind as he waited.

Ever since his sight was taken from him had been having memory visions. Thankfully most of them were happy moments. One of his favorite memories was the first time Sabine had painted her room on the Ghost. The colors were still vivid in his mind, the hot orange to the cool blues. He could still remember every detail and how awed he was by her talent. 

Somehow he knew that they would make it to Ezra in time so he was calm. He couldn't see exactly where he was or know what he was doing, but he knew for certain that he needed help.  
Hera entered the cockpit and was shocked to find him waiting. 

"Kanan?!?"

"Ezra's in trouble. Let's go." Kanan stated as flatly as he would say any everyday statement like "We're out of caf again."

Hera was elated to have Kanan back at her side where he belonged. For the first time in forever, a smile warmed her partner's handsome face and Hera couldn't help but smile herself.

"It's good to have you back." She told him, wishing she could hug him right now but they had to go rescue their newest crew member.


	3. Falling into Darkness

Ezra had battled a Sith Lord, twice, and never felt this terrified. 

Terrified and alone.

The Phantom was destroyed, the bombers and his crew mates were gone, and all of the escape pods had ejected from the station. Screams of men who had been abandoned on the dying station rang in his ears as the building before was engulfed in flame.

A blaster shattered a window high above him and he was sprayed with glass. Ezra lit his saber and prepared to fight, but there was no one left to fight. A man covered in flame flung himself through the destroyed window and in a desperate attempt to escape the inferno inside. He fell with a sickening thud at Ezra's feet. Bile rose from Ezra's stomach as the stench of burning flesh washed over him.

The body at his feet shuddered violently and tried to rise, only to collapse back to the landing. A keening scream tore from the charred, broken form as it lifted its ruined face to him.  The entire right side of the Imperal's face was charred black, his hair burned away.  What remained of his face took Ezra's breath away.  He was one of the cadets Ezra had met when he was undercover.  

The ruined face contorted in confusion, trying to understand why his former classmate was here, with a light saber in his hand. "Help....help me...."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He cried as he ended the young man's suffering with a swipe of his saber.  There was no way off this dying station, so the least he could do was to make the former cadet's death quick.  

Ezra had killed an unknown number of people, but they were faceless. Anonymous.  And usually they were trying to kill him or the people he loved.  Kanan had taught him how to deflect the blaster shots back at the person who was trying to kill him.  Fighting Kanan's way had always felt righteous, it was self defense.  

Looking down at the smoking corpse before him, he realized that fighting with the dark was different.  He had murdered these men, including this boy that he knew.  

He was a killer now.  

He was wrong.

He felt weak, changed. Empty.  

Death would be a welcome release from this hollowness.

Not knowing what else to do, he closed his eyes and reached out to the void with everything he had. "Kanan, where are you?" He wailed as another explosion rocked the station.

The universe answered him with silence.

All hope left him in that moment. Before he even knew what the Force was, he had always felt its presence. It guided him when he was in danger or made him stronger when he was weak. But now, he felt nothing. The Force had abandoned him.

Suddenly the walkway beneath him collapsed and he was thrown off his feet, landing face down on a narrow ledge below. The air was knocked from his lungs and he felt like he would mercifully pass out. The platform he clung to for dear life pitched forward, broke from the station and fell.

And fell.

And fell.


	4. Save me

The platform he clung to for dear life pitched forward, broke from the station and fell.

And fell.

And fell.

The wind tore at him, threatened to rip him from the narrow platform and fling him into the abyss. The metal under his hands grew hotter and hotter but he only held tighter, mindless terror driving him to cling to the only solid thing in his hellish world. Hot smoke filled his lungs and burned his eyes. He had no choice but to breathe in the toxic smoke so he gasped for breath after breath until his throat was raw.

"Maybe I'm already dead and this is hell?" He thought as a new wave of pain washed over him as the hot metal seared his hand.  He screamed and the searing pain almost forced him to let go when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. A light!! There was a light behind the smokey darkness.  He almost didn't believe what he saw. The Ghost was only a few feet away, diving in tandem with him. The light was coming from an open hatch.

"Ezra!!! Ezra, I'm right here!!! Let go!!!" Kanan's voice boomed over the screaming winds and it was the most beautiful thing Ezra had ever heard.

"I don't deserve to live," Ezra thought miserably as Kanan reached out to him.  He feigned reaching out screaming "It's too far, I can't reach you!!!"  "Just leave me here, I deserve this."  
Ezra though.  He could see the ground rushing up at him, it wouldn't be too much longer now.

Kanan saw the quickly rising ground and panicked, Force pulling Ezra to him across the narrow gap.  Ezra flew across the narrow gap between them and into his master's arms. "I've got you, I've got you." His master chanted over and over as he pulled him completely in the shuttle, before they fell sideways to the floor, arm and arm. The shuttle's door snapped shut the moment they were free of it.

"I've got him!!" Kanan exclaimed as he hugged Ezra tight. Kanan was so overjoyed!

Hera smiled and whooped in delight as she banked the ship away from the falling debris and pulled out of the dive, leveling the ship with the horizon. "Only a Jedi could have survived that." She thought as she plotted a course for home.

As the ship rolled level, the two men rolled with it. Ezra tried to grab onto the wall as the ship leveled off, screaming in pain when his burned hands scraped the wall.

"Where're you hurt? What happened?" Kanan asked in a rush. "What's that smell? Are you burned?"

"Yes!" Ezra tried really hard to be brave as he looked down as the blistered, bubbled skin on his hands. "My hands! It hurts!" He hissed.

Despite his pain, all Ezra could think about was that cadet on the station who begged him for help. The pain he must have endured before he died. It was unimaginable. It was all his fault.

Kanan could feel that Ezra was suffering more that physical hurts, but he needed to get his injuries healed first.  He slung Ezra's arm over his shoulder, careful to grab his wrist and not his hands and supported him as they walked down to the ship's galley

"Your home now. Your safe."  Kanan reassured as they walked. Ezra felt so boneless and weak, his feet dragging as Kanan half carried, half dragged him down the hallway.  Thankfully, they didn't have to go far.

Kanan could hear Ezra sobbing as he settled him atop the galley's table. He grabbed the first aid kit, thankful that someone had put it back in its proper place for once and set it on the table next to his padawan. His heart was racing so he took a deep breath to calm himself.

"Hera, I need you. We are in the galley."

As they waited, Kanan pulled out an emergency blanket from the kit an wrapped the thin, metallic sheet around Ezra's thin shoulders. As he expected, his padawan was trembling.

"I know your hurt. Hera is on the way. She can give you a pain suppressant. Until then, you can get some relief from the Force. Just.." A loud sob from Ezra's interrupted him and he reached out to comfort him.

"I...(sob)...I can't." Ezra almost sounded as if he was ashamed.  "I can't feel the Force anymore, it's abandoned me." He cried in despair.  Kanan felt like his heart was breaking as Ezra's despair washed over him.

At that moment, Hera entered the galley and wrapped Ezra in her arms before Kanan could question Ezra further.

Hera moved to pull out of the hug but Ezra pulled her back in. She had never seen him so distraught, and with all they had been through over the years, that was saying a lot.

"Ezra. We need to heal your hands. Let Hera help you." Kanan knew how much pain his padawan must be in right now, but he didn't trust himself to administer any pain suppressors without his vision.

Hera rooted through the med kit and pulled out a pain suppressor injector. She adjusted the dosage to maximum and placed it against Ezra's neck. The medicine worked instantly and his padawan sighed in relief, resting his head on Hera's shoulder before he fell unconscious.

Nothing hurt as much as burned skin, Kanan knew from experience. He felt a phantom pain in his shoulder and remembered the searing pain of the blaster burn he'd suffered so many years ago.

"Let's get him to his room." Hera grabbed the med kit as Kanan pulled Ezra's limp body into his arms.


	5. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra's finally home where he belongs

Even with Ezra being unconscious, he could sense a whirlwind of emotions swirling in his student unlike anything he had felt before.  Anger was there, but he had never felt so much despair and hopelessness. His padawan had never felt so dark. For the hundreth time, he berated himself for leaving Ezra alone with that damn Sith holocron. The Jedi temple guards had warned him that the dark pulled at his student. "I should have heeded his warning." he thought as they stopped before the door of Ezra's cabin.

The door whooshed open and the musty smell of the small room washed over him. Since there were two crew members in the same small space, the room had always smelled a little dingy but not unpleasant.

"Hold on, let me clear a path through all this junk on the floor." Hera warned, putting a hand out to stop Kanan from tripping over something.

He could hear Hera kicking items out of their way before leading him into the small room. The thud of a boot against a helmet filled his ears "Boys!" Hera complained. When he heard her fussing with the bedding on Zeb's bed he lowered Ezra's legs to the floor. With Hera's help they got him into the lower bunk. Kanan couldn't do too much for fear of hitting his head on the top bunk.

"Kriff, Kanan, his hands!  What happened on that station?!?"  Hera wondered as she examined the ugly burns covering his palms as she sat on the bed next to the unconscious young man.  She pulled some bacta gel from the med kit and coated it over his ruined skin, glad that the pain suppressors kept him unconscious.  

"Something that broke him."  


	6. Consequences of violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, very sorry.

**Ezra POV**

The smell of burnt flesh.  Someone in the distance was shreking.  He fell into and endless darkness.  

The nightmare ended and then repeated.  He felt so tired.  He couldn't wake.

**Kanan POV**

He wasn't sure exactly how long Ezra had slept, but it must have been a long time.  His legs ached from kneeling on the hard floor, and it usually takes several hours for that to happen so his padawan had been sleeping for some time.

Ezra was deceptively still, his breathing even.  Anyone else would believe that he was sleeping soundly, but Kanan knew differently.

Kanan had walked away from being a Jedi, abandoned the Force of his own free will and it was the darkest period of his life.  He could not imagine the horror of reaching out for the comfort the Force always provided, and finding nothing.  It was unimaginable.

**Hera POV**

"Ezra." 

_"Leave me alone."_

"Ezra, I need for you to wake up, hon."

" _Go away!!!"_

"He makes that face every morning when I wake him."  Zeb laughed.  "I'll just sleep in his bunk."  

"He's been sleeping too long.  Keep an eye on him for me.  I'm worried about him."

"Me too." Zeb agreed.

**Ezra POV**

He would never talk to Hera that way, but he was screaming at her in his mind.  He felt so on edge.  He knew when he woke, there would be questions.  Everyone would want to talk to him, ask him how he was doing.  He just wanted to sleep.  Maybe he could take another pain suppressant, he thought as feigned sleep.  He knew that Zeb kept some awful tasting alcohol in the drawer under his bunk, that would do the trick.  He would just have to wait for Zeb to fall asleep.  

 

 

  

 


	7. Caught

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, sorry

Ezra POV

Ezra laid in his bunk, pretending to sleep, until he heard his roommate begin to snore. Zeb usually slept deeply when they were at the base, probably feeling much safer than when they were hurling through hyperspace.

Ezra closed his eyes, extended his hand, and pictured the drawer under the bunk sliding open as he moved his hand.

Nothing happened.

Enraged, Ezra flung off the blanket swaddled around him and reached down to slide the drawer holding the alcohol open as quietly as possible. The bandages on his hands impeded him, so he ripped them off and tossed them on the floor. It felt like the entire universe was against him, as the sensitive, newly healed skin on his hands burned as he fumbled to make his hands work open the drawer. Finally, he got the drawer open. He found the bottle in the back of the drawer, not very well hidden, if the Lasat was trying to hide it at all.

He tucked the bottle into a pocket as he left the cabin, feeling like a thief. "I'll replace the bottle and he'll never know it was gone," Ezra told himself as he moved quickly to exit the small ship before anyone noticed. 

Of course, Kanan was waiting for him in the cargo hold, blocking the shuttle's door. 

"We need to talk. Come with me."


	8. To be angry is to be human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan goes back to school :)
> 
> "To be angry is to be human" is stolen from Episode II

Kanan moved through the ship, trusting that his padawan would follow him. The moment Ezra woke, he had felt it so he was already headed toward the ship when Zeb called about the stolen alcohol. He wasn't angry, just worried for the young man. The drink was highly concentrated and only intended for a larger man like the Lasat so he was afraid Ezra could easily poison himself.

Kanan knew there were few hiding places on the ship, so he calculated that Ezra would try to sneak off the ship. He was right.

Right now, Ezra was seething with anger. Anger was far less alarming than the hopelessness and despair he felt earlier. Anger, he could empathize with. He was confident he could help Ezra through this.

Kanan was shocked to discover that there wasn't a psyc doctor or counselor available to help Ezra in the entire rebel fleet. Hera, clever as always, suggested that he, with his empathic abilities, would be perfect for the job. At first, he was reluctant to take on such a crucial role. But as usual, Hera was right. It would take a lot of study and work to become qualified as a psych doctor, but it felt wonderful to be able to possibly help the rebellion this way. At the academy he was an excellent student, so he knew he could do it. It was also exhilarating to have a goal to work toward.

As they entered his small cabin, Ezra remarked about the very recent changes to his spare furniture. "Nice desk. You going back to school?" The small desk and chair had been squeezed against the far wall and a new-looking datapad sat in the center.

"As a matter of fact, I am." Kanan stated as he smiled happily at the thought. "There isn't a psych doctor in the entire fleet, so..."

"I don't need a psych doc!" Ezra interrupted angrily as he flopped down on the floor.

Kanan was unfazed by Ezra's interruption. He could tell the anger wasn't really directed at him. The Jedi grabbed the datapad and then settled down on the floor. "Ok. How about a friend, then?"

"Fine. What do you want to talk about."

Kanan extended his hand and the bottle of liquor flew out of Ezra's pocket. "Zeb was quite worried that you had drunk some if this." Kanan said as he shook the bottle and listened to make sure the willful young man hadn't drunk any. He didn't hear any sloshing liquid, so he assumed it was still full. "Its too strong for humanoids. It would have made you quite sick."

"Oh," Some of Ezra's anger drained away to be replaced by embarrassment "Good thing, then you caught me because I had planned to drink quite a lot."

"Yes, Zeb loves you like the younger brother he never had. You know he isn't angry, right?"

"He should be angry! I've stolen from him. But that's who I am, right!?! A thief! A loth-rat!"

Kanan rose from the floor and moved to sit on the floor right next to his padawan but facing the opposite direction. After a bit of fumbling, he took Ezra's hand in his own.

"When my master was murdered, I was a Jedi padawan and I barely survived. If it wasn't for a lot of luck and help, I would have starved to death or been captured and executed. You were a child when your parents were taken. No one judges you for what you did to survive."

More of Ezra's anger dissipated, so Kanan kept talking. "I wanted to talk to you because I know you're hurting. But you need to understand that everything you've been feeling is normal."

"I don't feel normal."

Kanan pulled him into a hug, knowing that his touch always was soothing. "I know, but you are. I don't know what happened on the station, but I know it was horrible. I would be more concerned if you had no reaction."

They sat holding each other for a long time before Ezra spoke.  He leaned back and buried his face in his hands.

"They locked the bombers down, so I went into the station to try and free them.  But then I saw Titus!  The Imperial who captured me, I don't know..I was so angry."

"To be angry is to be human," Kanan reminded him.

Ezra thought about that for a second and then continued.  "Yes, but you have always taught me not to let my emotions cloud my judgement.  And that's exactly what I did.  I killed the station's power, but not just to free the bombers.  I wanted to see the fear on Titus' face as I doomed him to die."  Kanan felt like there was more to the story, so he waited patiently for Ezra to continue.

"And I got exactly what I wanted, he was terrified.  But when the station started exploding, the Phantom was destroyed and I was trapped.  Trapped and alone."  Kanan could hear the emotion in his voice, but he continued.  "I called out for you, for the Force, for anyone...but there was nothing."

"I heard you, Ezra.  Light years away, I heard you."

"Thank the Force you did, or I would be dead."  Ezra took a deep breath and then continued.  "The station was on fire, men who were left behind were screaming, trapped inside, burning to death.  And then, someone shattered a window and jumped out.  Landed at my feet."  Another deep breath and he whispered "I **knew** him."

Kanan was shocked.  They had all killed so many Imperials, but they were always faceless strangers.  "Who was he?  A friend from Lothal?"

"Not a friend, but yes, from the academy on Lothal.  And he...he reached out to me, begged me to help him.  He was burned all over, suffering, screaming, I didn't know what else to do.  I ended his suffering.  I murdered him."

He could hear Ezra being to sob, so he pulled him back into a hug and let him cry for a long, long time.  

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Healing

As Ezra cried, Kanan held him but he was also making a mental list of items he would need if he was going to become the rebellions counselor. In addition to a few comfortable chair he was going to need a lot of tissues.

It took quite a long time for Ezra to cry himself out bit eventually he calmed and began wiping his eyes with his sleeve. Kanan went to rustle his padawan's hair and was surprised and a bit saddened to find that Ezra's long floppy locks were gone! His hair was now buzzed short in the traditional padawan cut. He missed so much those months he was grieving for his sight.

He moved his hand from Ezra's hair to his shoulder and patted gently as he spoke. "I know killing that Imperial felt different for you because you knew him, but this is war and you are on the right side of this war. Sabine and you were both in the Imperial Academy. I'm sure it didn't take long for you to learn the true nature of the Empire. If the young man stayed after the Academy, he must have agreed with their goals."

"Yeah, it was pretty clear that the Empire was evil." Ezra agreed.

"I would like you to read this journal I'm sending you. It is required reading at the Jedi Academy. The author is unknown, but he was a great warrior and a great writer. He talks about how war haunts and changes the warrior and how he learned to live with the changes," Kanan explained.

"Thank you, master," Ezra was beginning to feel a little more like himself, Kanan could feel the improvement. It felt wonderful knowing he had helped. "Why can't I feel the Force anymore?"

"The Force is there and always will be, just like I will always be there for you. You just need to release your anger and calm you mind, then you will feel it."

Kanan's voice was so soothing, Ezra just wanted to sit and listen to him talk. But he realized that he had work to do on himself.

"Yes, master,". Ezra stood and then helped Kanan off the floor. "I'll be outside in your meditation spot if anyone needs me."

Kanan gave Ezra another hug and then he began to head outside. As the door to the cabin opened, Ezra lingered in the doorway. "Your going to be a great counselor." 

A shy smile lit up Kanan's face as Ezra walked away.


End file.
